Wednesday, December 27, 2006
The Middle Ground Theory
"Stay too far from the fire, and you'll get no warmth
Get too close , you'll be singed..."
I believe that the "middle ground" (dualism) as a theory of relationships is closest to reality. People have to be sufficiently similar and sufficiently differnt to be compatible in the long run.
They have to be similar enough to have the commonality of value systems, broad interests, dreams, world-views etc. However they have to be different enough in things like temperament, egos and skills...I assume that the similarity is the basis of the relationship and the differences are what keep it going in the long run. However this is a delicate balance and there is no quantification of "how different/how similar" can two people be...
Similarities are the basis of liking each other. We may be attracted to our opposites intensely (and fleetingly) but in the long run we like to associate ourselves with similar people ("people like us"). Anything unfamiliar and uncomprehensible is not very comfortable. Ditto for relationships. In the long run, we are more likely to stick with people who share our core values, our world view and our interests. After the passionate first flush of a relationship has passed, we revel in intimacy and here we are more likely to like somebody who 'understands' us. This is similarity. A person who is completley dissimilar will probably never understand us.
However, we as people do not like our mirror images (exact copies). Clones ultimately make boring partners and lead to bad teamwork. To keep a relationship going, we need to associate with someone who is a little different. For example two people will extremely big egos will be bad partners. Every argument will become a battle to be won at any cost. Two completely disorganised people will make every vacation a disaster. Two extreme optimists is also bad news...To succeeed in the long run two people will need to compliment each other.
So here some advice to those looking for partners. Look for similarities in the larger things...But do not look for mirror images. Look also for those qualities that compliment yours and help balance things. As an analogy, you need to find partners who are going in the same direction (similarity), but different enough to explore parallel routes.
Get too close , you'll be singed..."
I believe that the "middle ground" (dualism) as a theory of relationships is closest to reality. People have to be sufficiently similar and sufficiently differnt to be compatible in the long run.
They have to be similar enough to have the commonality of value systems, broad interests, dreams, world-views etc. However they have to be different enough in things like temperament, egos and skills...I assume that the similarity is the basis of the relationship and the differences are what keep it going in the long run. However this is a delicate balance and there is no quantification of "how different/how similar" can two people be...
Similarities are the basis of liking each other. We may be attracted to our opposites intensely (and fleetingly) but in the long run we like to associate ourselves with similar people ("people like us"). Anything unfamiliar and uncomprehensible is not very comfortable. Ditto for relationships. In the long run, we are more likely to stick with people who share our core values, our world view and our interests. After the passionate first flush of a relationship has passed, we revel in intimacy and here we are more likely to like somebody who 'understands' us. This is similarity. A person who is completley dissimilar will probably never understand us.
However, we as people do not like our mirror images (exact copies). Clones ultimately make boring partners and lead to bad teamwork. To keep a relationship going, we need to associate with someone who is a little different. For example two people will extremely big egos will be bad partners. Every argument will become a battle to be won at any cost. Two completely disorganised people will make every vacation a disaster. Two extreme optimists is also bad news...To succeeed in the long run two people will need to compliment each other.
So here some advice to those looking for partners. Look for similarities in the larger things...But do not look for mirror images. Look also for those qualities that compliment yours and help balance things. As an analogy, you need to find partners who are going in the same direction (similarity), but different enough to explore parallel routes.
