Saturday, August 05, 2006
After a year...
After one year of 'living the marriage'...Have things changed ? Has there been a mutation in the ideology ?
Well, here goes nothing :-
1. In a marriage, you do give up a part of your independence. Thinking that you will continue to retain your sharp, well-defined identity is a fallacy. Your identity as a person will not'disappear'. It never can and it never should, even in a marriage. But the lines become blurred, the outline less clearer and the other person's identity almost-always 'blends' into yours.
Hence you form a new identity after marriage - "US" from the "I". In this identity, each of you are separately recognisable but it becomes a mutual identity.
The view that we have taken is that there are some aspects that you cannot change about one's family (our parents are too old to change) and we should not 'crusade' against these aspects. Till such time as neither family is very upset, both of us are willing to make 'sacrifices' to keep things as normal as possible. Yes it is not easy for either of us sometimes. But we try to do our best. If sometimes, something goes a beyond what we can handle, we talk to each other about it and try to find a 'middle path' (remember the golden middle path philosophy of buddhism).
3. One of the biggest realisations in the last one year has been that it is very different to live as a couple. Before marriage one is (hopefully) not living-in and living together definitely has it's own challenges. From a dirty house to who uses more utensils to who will go and buy something, living together is not easy and requires enormous commitment from both the partners. There are somethings in your partner that you will have to get used to and not try to 'change' but live with them. You have to learn not to take the easy way out and put 110 % in the relationship.
4. Another point is to exorcise the ghosts of your past if any. We are living in a modern world today with interaction of the sexes much more that they ever have been. Both of the partners have to reveal to each other what their past has been like. We have to be liberal enough to understand that one may have met people before in one's life with whom there was some involvement. However that should not be a bother. Till such time as the past is buried, there should be no problem to handle the current relationship. We have to be careful that even in an argument, we do NOT rake up the past.
5. One should also be aware that being in love with somebody may not be forever. There is a phenomenon called 'falling out of love'. That is not to say that one was never in love. It may be a gradual process for a couple and they have to guard against it. Here i am not talking about a one-night-stand or any such thing. But true falling out may happen because of a multitude of reasons - differnece in evolution, taking the other person for granted, putting less than 110 % in the relationship over the years etc. The experiences of two different people may change their life-philosophies in a way that is incompatible. The loss of communication over the years, not listening enough may also lead to problems.
6. One of the most important things that keep a marriage going is humor. The ability to laugh at each other without taking things to heart, the ability to laugh at yourself and some of the holy-cows that you have held.
7. People will remain humans and will make mistakes. Over and above the above, do realise that the person you are marrying is only a human being. Though he/she has the best intentions at herart, there are times that people slip-up. They are weak and make mistakes. One act of not adhering to one's stated values should not end a marriage. The easiest thing in this world is to walk away (that's why a lot of live-ins dont work)...One has to stay put and be willing to work things out. Sometimes you may think that you have made the biggest mistake in your life...(and you may get this feeling 2 months/hours before marriage ). But keep the faith. Everything in life will not be perfect.
No partner is perfect. There are only degrees of imperfection. The only thing you need to consider is that if you are ok with this person's level of imperfection. (within tolerance limits).
8. Finally the most important thing is - the ability to keep an open mind to things and to respect each other as a person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After several years, reading a book by Mitch Albon something struck me as powerful.
1. You need to respect
2. You need to communicate
3. You need to compromise
4. You need to have shared values
5. You need to believe in the importance of marriage
________________________________________________________________________________
Well, here goes nothing :-
1. In a marriage, you do give up a part of your independence. Thinking that you will continue to retain your sharp, well-defined identity is a fallacy. Your identity as a person will not'disappear'. It never can and it never should, even in a marriage. But the lines become blurred, the outline less clearer and the other person's identity almost-always 'blends' into yours.
Hence you form a new identity after marriage - "US" from the "I". In this identity, each of you are separately recognisable but it becomes a mutual identity.
2. Family - this is a tough one ! Both the partners have to see their respective families as objectively as possible. Without the tint of "my-family-and-how-dare-you-speak -anything-ill -about-them". Yes there are certain limits of decency that one must not cross but these limits are unstated (and understood) but nothing should become a 'holy-cow' just because it is my family. We should be able to discuss our families with each other without the associated emotional baggage.
The view that we have taken is that there are some aspects that you cannot change about one's family (our parents are too old to change) and we should not 'crusade' against these aspects. Till such time as neither family is very upset, both of us are willing to make 'sacrifices' to keep things as normal as possible. Yes it is not easy for either of us sometimes. But we try to do our best. If sometimes, something goes a beyond what we can handle, we talk to each other about it and try to find a 'middle path' (remember the golden middle path philosophy of buddhism).
3. One of the biggest realisations in the last one year has been that it is very different to live as a couple. Before marriage one is (hopefully) not living-in and living together definitely has it's own challenges. From a dirty house to who uses more utensils to who will go and buy something, living together is not easy and requires enormous commitment from both the partners. There are somethings in your partner that you will have to get used to and not try to 'change' but live with them. You have to learn not to take the easy way out and put 110 % in the relationship.
4. Another point is to exorcise the ghosts of your past if any. We are living in a modern world today with interaction of the sexes much more that they ever have been. Both of the partners have to reveal to each other what their past has been like. We have to be liberal enough to understand that one may have met people before in one's life with whom there was some involvement. However that should not be a bother. Till such time as the past is buried, there should be no problem to handle the current relationship. We have to be careful that even in an argument, we do NOT rake up the past.
5. One should also be aware that being in love with somebody may not be forever. There is a phenomenon called 'falling out of love'. That is not to say that one was never in love. It may be a gradual process for a couple and they have to guard against it. Here i am not talking about a one-night-stand or any such thing. But true falling out may happen because of a multitude of reasons - differnece in evolution, taking the other person for granted, putting less than 110 % in the relationship over the years etc. The experiences of two different people may change their life-philosophies in a way that is incompatible. The loss of communication over the years, not listening enough may also lead to problems.
6. One of the most important things that keep a marriage going is humor. The ability to laugh at each other without taking things to heart, the ability to laugh at yourself and some of the holy-cows that you have held.
7. People will remain humans and will make mistakes. Over and above the above, do realise that the person you are marrying is only a human being. Though he/she has the best intentions at herart, there are times that people slip-up. They are weak and make mistakes. One act of not adhering to one's stated values should not end a marriage. The easiest thing in this world is to walk away (that's why a lot of live-ins dont work)...One has to stay put and be willing to work things out. Sometimes you may think that you have made the biggest mistake in your life...(and you may get this feeling 2 months/hours before marriage ). But keep the faith. Everything in life will not be perfect.
No partner is perfect. There are only degrees of imperfection. The only thing you need to consider is that if you are ok with this person's level of imperfection. (within tolerance limits).
8. Finally the most important thing is - the ability to keep an open mind to things and to respect each other as a person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After several years, reading a book by Mitch Albon something struck me as powerful.
1. You need to respect
2. You need to communicate
3. You need to compromise
4. You need to have shared values
5. You need to believe in the importance of marriage
________________________________________________________________________________
Friday, August 04, 2006
Philosophy of Love
This is my philosophy of Love, tempered and improved by my then-fiance, now wife. It is an attempt to articulate my core values regarding the subject.
Fundamentally, I believe that love is a final intuitive feeling towards a person (heart). And this feeling is the outcome of many preceding stages of knowing the person AND knowing oneself (mind).
I am saying that finally love is instinctual. But this instinct is not without reason. This may seem dichotomous. After all, what is a “logical instinct”? This is precisely my position. That there is duality in the world and this duality has to co-exist. (The instinct is like a 'neural network': that there is an algorithm but the algorithm cannot be found)
I admit that people keep on constantly evolving and changing in this world. But at the same time, I do not accept that it is impossible to have a fairly good idea of what kind of person one/anybody is. Nobody can know oneself/anybody “exactly” but then a “fairly accurate idea” about the person is what I am implying. I do not believe the statement “I keep surprising myself everyday” or “I do not know what I am going to do next.” I do not accept this position. This is pure inconsistency and I do believe that humans follow a relatively stable behavior patterns. I consider that those who make this statement are either completely fickle or who live purely instinctually. Without thought. And I consider thinking to be the faculty which differentiates us from other life forms. It is thinking which has given mankind whatever it has today.
1. My first premise is that love is based on commonality rather than dissonance. I believe that to fall in love, the core values of two people must be in consonance. What are these core values ? I believe that core values are very deep-rooted convictions a person carries. These are not binary “yes-no” moral opinions. But they are very very intrinsic thoughts that one holds. Examples can be “honesty” “material success”, “fidelity”, “practicality”, “sense-of-humor”, “non-conformity”, “knowledge” or “self-evolution” etc. etc. Let me again reiterate that these core values are not from the moral stand-point but relates to human concepts with which one fundamentally identifies with. For two people to fall in love, their core values should not be diverging.
2. Secondly I believe that the broad interests of two people must be similar. I am NOT using the word “same” but “similar”. This is important because it gives two individuals a common ground to interact. And this interaction is very important in the long run to sustain the relationship when the intial passions have cooled down.
3. Thirdly only commonality of core values and similarity of broad interests may not be enough. They have to 'like' what they see in each other. This “liking what they see” is the ‘chemistry’ between two people. If this is friendship, then perhaps the first stage of falling in love is friendship.
Let me just make one point here. Friendship, I believe does not happen in a day. This process of knowing each other takes time. Takes effort. Now I would not quantify the time to know the other person. It can happen sooner for some people, for other couples it may take years. It is in the process of knowing each other that one discovers the core values, explores common interests etc.
Knowing the other person has to be in terms of complete honesty as far as showing one’s true identity is concerned. At this stage, if one knowingly presents a different picture of oneself to the other person, then later on there are bound to be hiccups. It is very important not to hide the not-so-desirable traits of oneself from the beginning.
4. Love just happens. One cannot make an effort to fall in love. Friendship alone cannot lead to love. There has to be the instinctual feeling of “togetherness/ comfortable wholeness”. (for want of a better words) when you realize that you are in love. It is instinctual. But this instinct is not ‘blind instinct’.
At this point it is imperative for you to be honest to both yourself and the other and express your feeling beyond friendship. By not expressing your feeling, you are being untrue to the existing relationship. If by chance, it is not reciprocated, it is sheer bad-luck. You need not feel ‘guilty/unworthy’ about it.
This milestone of expressing each others feelings should not lead to a situation where you “stop” being friends and “start” being lovers. I personally believe that friendship remains the fundamental basis on which love is built. If you start being less than frank with each other after your expression of love, then inevitably it leads to problems.
One must realize that love is not a search. It happens. The “effort” theory of love (effort in “conquest”) is fundamentally flawed. (If you try hard enough, you are likely to 'find' love.) I believe that beyond a basic effort at friendliness, love should NOT be pursued with the final objective of falling in love. The effort theory assumes that love is some summit which has to be climbed. You need not “convince” the other person to fall in love with you.
-Love is not a test of proving you to yourself or to the other.
-Love is not, I repeat NOT a conquest.
5. Love is about commitment. Now in my opinion, commitment is nothing more glorious than “compromise”. Commitment has at its core the basic idea of contentment. Let me elaborate this abstruse concept.
-Commitment means that even if there is a ‘bigger better deal’ waiting tomorrow, one wont succumb. One will knowingly NOT make the rational choice of grabbing any incremental benefit coming your way. One will make a compromise.
-Contentment means that at some point of time we sit back and count our blessings. We say that we are happy with status-quo. A lot of things (Money, Power, Sex) is never going to be enough in life . We don’t hanker after “more/better” forever. That is contentment.
That is commitment. Yes, on a base level, it is compromise.
6. The sexual act as the manifestation of love. I feel that one would sleep with the person one loves. Both of them have to be very comfortable with the thing. This is necessary because in many societies it has got socio-cultural manifestations. Once, mentally committed, physical commitment for me is an edict in stone. If two people are sexually incompatible, then sex outside the union can be explored if both parties are “absolutely” sure that it wont hurt their existing relationship.
I am also not judgmental about people who segregate love and sex. Their position that sex is “just a biological need and what has love got to do with it” is perfectly tenable. If it is understood that the sexual act will in no way hurt (emotionally) either party, it is perfectly acceptable. So in that sense a one-night stand or paid-for sex is perfectly acceptable. But, once in love, casual sex is not excusable. Remember commitment is compromise.
However, I think what is inexcusable is emotional manipulation of the other party to ‘get’ sex. What is inexcusable is to make a façade of love for some exterior motive.
7. This brings me to my two cents after one has fallein in love :
-Love weathers a lot of difficulties; given both partners have enough maturity.
-Every person has his/her drawbacks. Love is not only being aware of the other’s shortcomings and accepting them. Love is not about ‘overlooking’ the darker sides.
-Even in an intense relationship, there should be room for “personal space”. Both parties must realize that they have their own lives beyond the relationship. Everyone has his/her core identity and the relationship should not subsume the same.
-Both parties must be secure enough to have a lot of trust (a requirement of friendship) in the other and the relationship.
-Love should not be used as an excuse of emotional manipulation of the other person. Love is not some lofty ideal which both parties are trying to achieve. Love is an outcome.
-Finally the basic tenet of communication and frankness should be maintained even in the midst of the worst phases of the relationship.
8. Finally, I believe that there is a phenomenon called “falling out of love”. This typically happens for a variety of causes. For example if two people evolve intellectually at drastically different rates, then after some time the two may not be able to relate to each other any more. If their social circle is completely different, then inevitably there is a drift if each party does not try to understand their partner's world. This is a reality with both parties should not wish away.
And also it is perfectly normal not to find love in life. This does not mean that something is “wrong” with you. It is not a test you failed. The world is not created for you to fall in love. If you did not find love you were just unlucky. Nothing more. Nothing less. Yes, ones loneliness is a sad human condition, but happiness is not a “right”. Love is not a right.
It just happens. Or it does not.
Fundamentally, I believe that love is a final intuitive feeling towards a person (heart). And this feeling is the outcome of many preceding stages of knowing the person AND knowing oneself (mind).
I am saying that finally love is instinctual. But this instinct is not without reason. This may seem dichotomous. After all, what is a “logical instinct”? This is precisely my position. That there is duality in the world and this duality has to co-exist. (The instinct is like a 'neural network': that there is an algorithm but the algorithm cannot be found)
I admit that people keep on constantly evolving and changing in this world. But at the same time, I do not accept that it is impossible to have a fairly good idea of what kind of person one/anybody is. Nobody can know oneself/anybody “exactly” but then a “fairly accurate idea” about the person is what I am implying. I do not believe the statement “I keep surprising myself everyday” or “I do not know what I am going to do next.” I do not accept this position. This is pure inconsistency and I do believe that humans follow a relatively stable behavior patterns. I consider that those who make this statement are either completely fickle or who live purely instinctually. Without thought. And I consider thinking to be the faculty which differentiates us from other life forms. It is thinking which has given mankind whatever it has today.
1. My first premise is that love is based on commonality rather than dissonance. I believe that to fall in love, the core values of two people must be in consonance. What are these core values ? I believe that core values are very deep-rooted convictions a person carries. These are not binary “yes-no” moral opinions. But they are very very intrinsic thoughts that one holds. Examples can be “honesty” “material success”, “fidelity”, “practicality”, “sense-of-humor”, “non-conformity”, “knowledge” or “self-evolution” etc. etc. Let me again reiterate that these core values are not from the moral stand-point but relates to human concepts with which one fundamentally identifies with. For two people to fall in love, their core values should not be diverging.
2. Secondly I believe that the broad interests of two people must be similar. I am NOT using the word “same” but “similar”. This is important because it gives two individuals a common ground to interact. And this interaction is very important in the long run to sustain the relationship when the intial passions have cooled down.
3. Thirdly only commonality of core values and similarity of broad interests may not be enough. They have to 'like' what they see in each other. This “liking what they see” is the ‘chemistry’ between two people. If this is friendship, then perhaps the first stage of falling in love is friendship.
Let me just make one point here. Friendship, I believe does not happen in a day. This process of knowing each other takes time. Takes effort. Now I would not quantify the time to know the other person. It can happen sooner for some people, for other couples it may take years. It is in the process of knowing each other that one discovers the core values, explores common interests etc.
Knowing the other person has to be in terms of complete honesty as far as showing one’s true identity is concerned. At this stage, if one knowingly presents a different picture of oneself to the other person, then later on there are bound to be hiccups. It is very important not to hide the not-so-desirable traits of oneself from the beginning.
4. Love just happens. One cannot make an effort to fall in love. Friendship alone cannot lead to love. There has to be the instinctual feeling of “togetherness/ comfortable wholeness”. (for want of a better words) when you realize that you are in love. It is instinctual. But this instinct is not ‘blind instinct’.
At this point it is imperative for you to be honest to both yourself and the other and express your feeling beyond friendship. By not expressing your feeling, you are being untrue to the existing relationship. If by chance, it is not reciprocated, it is sheer bad-luck. You need not feel ‘guilty/unworthy’ about it.
This milestone of expressing each others feelings should not lead to a situation where you “stop” being friends and “start” being lovers. I personally believe that friendship remains the fundamental basis on which love is built. If you start being less than frank with each other after your expression of love, then inevitably it leads to problems.
One must realize that love is not a search. It happens. The “effort” theory of love (effort in “conquest”) is fundamentally flawed. (If you try hard enough, you are likely to 'find' love.) I believe that beyond a basic effort at friendliness, love should NOT be pursued with the final objective of falling in love. The effort theory assumes that love is some summit which has to be climbed. You need not “convince” the other person to fall in love with you.
-Love is not a test of proving you to yourself or to the other.
-Love is not, I repeat NOT a conquest.
5. Love is about commitment. Now in my opinion, commitment is nothing more glorious than “compromise”. Commitment has at its core the basic idea of contentment. Let me elaborate this abstruse concept.
-Commitment means that even if there is a ‘bigger better deal’ waiting tomorrow, one wont succumb. One will knowingly NOT make the rational choice of grabbing any incremental benefit coming your way. One will make a compromise.
-Contentment means that at some point of time we sit back and count our blessings. We say that we are happy with status-quo. A lot of things (Money, Power, Sex) is never going to be enough in life . We don’t hanker after “more/better” forever. That is contentment.
That is commitment. Yes, on a base level, it is compromise.
6. The sexual act as the manifestation of love. I feel that one would sleep with the person one loves. Both of them have to be very comfortable with the thing. This is necessary because in many societies it has got socio-cultural manifestations. Once, mentally committed, physical commitment for me is an edict in stone. If two people are sexually incompatible, then sex outside the union can be explored if both parties are “absolutely” sure that it wont hurt their existing relationship.
I am also not judgmental about people who segregate love and sex. Their position that sex is “just a biological need and what has love got to do with it” is perfectly tenable. If it is understood that the sexual act will in no way hurt (emotionally) either party, it is perfectly acceptable. So in that sense a one-night stand or paid-for sex is perfectly acceptable. But, once in love, casual sex is not excusable. Remember commitment is compromise.
However, I think what is inexcusable is emotional manipulation of the other party to ‘get’ sex. What is inexcusable is to make a façade of love for some exterior motive.
7. This brings me to my two cents after one has fallein in love :
-Love weathers a lot of difficulties; given both partners have enough maturity.
-Every person has his/her drawbacks. Love is not only being aware of the other’s shortcomings and accepting them. Love is not about ‘overlooking’ the darker sides.
-Even in an intense relationship, there should be room for “personal space”. Both parties must realize that they have their own lives beyond the relationship. Everyone has his/her core identity and the relationship should not subsume the same.
-Both parties must be secure enough to have a lot of trust (a requirement of friendship) in the other and the relationship.
-Love should not be used as an excuse of emotional manipulation of the other person. Love is not some lofty ideal which both parties are trying to achieve. Love is an outcome.
-Finally the basic tenet of communication and frankness should be maintained even in the midst of the worst phases of the relationship.
8. Finally, I believe that there is a phenomenon called “falling out of love”. This typically happens for a variety of causes. For example if two people evolve intellectually at drastically different rates, then after some time the two may not be able to relate to each other any more. If their social circle is completely different, then inevitably there is a drift if each party does not try to understand their partner's world. This is a reality with both parties should not wish away.
And also it is perfectly normal not to find love in life. This does not mean that something is “wrong” with you. It is not a test you failed. The world is not created for you to fall in love. If you did not find love you were just unlucky. Nothing more. Nothing less. Yes, ones loneliness is a sad human condition, but happiness is not a “right”. Love is not a right.
It just happens. Or it does not.
