Friday, August 04, 2006
Philosophy of Love
This is my philosophy of Love, tempered and improved by my then-fiance, now wife. It is an attempt to articulate my core values regarding the subject.
Fundamentally, I believe that love is a final intuitive feeling towards a person (heart). And this feeling is the outcome of many preceding stages of knowing the person AND knowing oneself (mind).
I am saying that finally love is instinctual. But this instinct is not without reason. This may seem dichotomous. After all, what is a “logical instinct”? This is precisely my position. That there is duality in the world and this duality has to co-exist. (The instinct is like a 'neural network': that there is an algorithm but the algorithm cannot be found)
I admit that people keep on constantly evolving and changing in this world. But at the same time, I do not accept that it is impossible to have a fairly good idea of what kind of person one/anybody is. Nobody can know oneself/anybody “exactly” but then a “fairly accurate idea” about the person is what I am implying. I do not believe the statement “I keep surprising myself everyday” or “I do not know what I am going to do next.” I do not accept this position. This is pure inconsistency and I do believe that humans follow a relatively stable behavior patterns. I consider that those who make this statement are either completely fickle or who live purely instinctually. Without thought. And I consider thinking to be the faculty which differentiates us from other life forms. It is thinking which has given mankind whatever it has today.
1. My first premise is that love is based on commonality rather than dissonance. I believe that to fall in love, the core values of two people must be in consonance. What are these core values ? I believe that core values are very deep-rooted convictions a person carries. These are not binary “yes-no” moral opinions. But they are very very intrinsic thoughts that one holds. Examples can be “honesty” “material success”, “fidelity”, “practicality”, “sense-of-humor”, “non-conformity”, “knowledge” or “self-evolution” etc. etc. Let me again reiterate that these core values are not from the moral stand-point but relates to human concepts with which one fundamentally identifies with. For two people to fall in love, their core values should not be diverging.
2. Secondly I believe that the broad interests of two people must be similar. I am NOT using the word “same” but “similar”. This is important because it gives two individuals a common ground to interact. And this interaction is very important in the long run to sustain the relationship when the intial passions have cooled down.
3. Thirdly only commonality of core values and similarity of broad interests may not be enough. They have to 'like' what they see in each other. This “liking what they see” is the ‘chemistry’ between two people. If this is friendship, then perhaps the first stage of falling in love is friendship.
Let me just make one point here. Friendship, I believe does not happen in a day. This process of knowing each other takes time. Takes effort. Now I would not quantify the time to know the other person. It can happen sooner for some people, for other couples it may take years. It is in the process of knowing each other that one discovers the core values, explores common interests etc.
Knowing the other person has to be in terms of complete honesty as far as showing one’s true identity is concerned. At this stage, if one knowingly presents a different picture of oneself to the other person, then later on there are bound to be hiccups. It is very important not to hide the not-so-desirable traits of oneself from the beginning.
4. Love just happens. One cannot make an effort to fall in love. Friendship alone cannot lead to love. There has to be the instinctual feeling of “togetherness/ comfortable wholeness”. (for want of a better words) when you realize that you are in love. It is instinctual. But this instinct is not ‘blind instinct’.
At this point it is imperative for you to be honest to both yourself and the other and express your feeling beyond friendship. By not expressing your feeling, you are being untrue to the existing relationship. If by chance, it is not reciprocated, it is sheer bad-luck. You need not feel ‘guilty/unworthy’ about it.
This milestone of expressing each others feelings should not lead to a situation where you “stop” being friends and “start” being lovers. I personally believe that friendship remains the fundamental basis on which love is built. If you start being less than frank with each other after your expression of love, then inevitably it leads to problems.
One must realize that love is not a search. It happens. The “effort” theory of love (effort in “conquest”) is fundamentally flawed. (If you try hard enough, you are likely to 'find' love.) I believe that beyond a basic effort at friendliness, love should NOT be pursued with the final objective of falling in love. The effort theory assumes that love is some summit which has to be climbed. You need not “convince” the other person to fall in love with you.
-Love is not a test of proving you to yourself or to the other.
-Love is not, I repeat NOT a conquest.
5. Love is about commitment. Now in my opinion, commitment is nothing more glorious than “compromise”. Commitment has at its core the basic idea of contentment. Let me elaborate this abstruse concept.
-Commitment means that even if there is a ‘bigger better deal’ waiting tomorrow, one wont succumb. One will knowingly NOT make the rational choice of grabbing any incremental benefit coming your way. One will make a compromise.
-Contentment means that at some point of time we sit back and count our blessings. We say that we are happy with status-quo. A lot of things (Money, Power, Sex) is never going to be enough in life . We don’t hanker after “more/better” forever. That is contentment.
That is commitment. Yes, on a base level, it is compromise.
6. The sexual act as the manifestation of love. I feel that one would sleep with the person one loves. Both of them have to be very comfortable with the thing. This is necessary because in many societies it has got socio-cultural manifestations. Once, mentally committed, physical commitment for me is an edict in stone. If two people are sexually incompatible, then sex outside the union can be explored if both parties are “absolutely” sure that it wont hurt their existing relationship.
I am also not judgmental about people who segregate love and sex. Their position that sex is “just a biological need and what has love got to do with it” is perfectly tenable. If it is understood that the sexual act will in no way hurt (emotionally) either party, it is perfectly acceptable. So in that sense a one-night stand or paid-for sex is perfectly acceptable. But, once in love, casual sex is not excusable. Remember commitment is compromise.
However, I think what is inexcusable is emotional manipulation of the other party to ‘get’ sex. What is inexcusable is to make a façade of love for some exterior motive.
7. This brings me to my two cents after one has fallein in love :
-Love weathers a lot of difficulties; given both partners have enough maturity.
-Every person has his/her drawbacks. Love is not only being aware of the other’s shortcomings and accepting them. Love is not about ‘overlooking’ the darker sides.
-Even in an intense relationship, there should be room for “personal space”. Both parties must realize that they have their own lives beyond the relationship. Everyone has his/her core identity and the relationship should not subsume the same.
-Both parties must be secure enough to have a lot of trust (a requirement of friendship) in the other and the relationship.
-Love should not be used as an excuse of emotional manipulation of the other person. Love is not some lofty ideal which both parties are trying to achieve. Love is an outcome.
-Finally the basic tenet of communication and frankness should be maintained even in the midst of the worst phases of the relationship.
8. Finally, I believe that there is a phenomenon called “falling out of love”. This typically happens for a variety of causes. For example if two people evolve intellectually at drastically different rates, then after some time the two may not be able to relate to each other any more. If their social circle is completely different, then inevitably there is a drift if each party does not try to understand their partner's world. This is a reality with both parties should not wish away.
And also it is perfectly normal not to find love in life. This does not mean that something is “wrong” with you. It is not a test you failed. The world is not created for you to fall in love. If you did not find love you were just unlucky. Nothing more. Nothing less. Yes, ones loneliness is a sad human condition, but happiness is not a “right”. Love is not a right.
It just happens. Or it does not.
Fundamentally, I believe that love is a final intuitive feeling towards a person (heart). And this feeling is the outcome of many preceding stages of knowing the person AND knowing oneself (mind).
I am saying that finally love is instinctual. But this instinct is not without reason. This may seem dichotomous. After all, what is a “logical instinct”? This is precisely my position. That there is duality in the world and this duality has to co-exist. (The instinct is like a 'neural network': that there is an algorithm but the algorithm cannot be found)
I admit that people keep on constantly evolving and changing in this world. But at the same time, I do not accept that it is impossible to have a fairly good idea of what kind of person one/anybody is. Nobody can know oneself/anybody “exactly” but then a “fairly accurate idea” about the person is what I am implying. I do not believe the statement “I keep surprising myself everyday” or “I do not know what I am going to do next.” I do not accept this position. This is pure inconsistency and I do believe that humans follow a relatively stable behavior patterns. I consider that those who make this statement are either completely fickle or who live purely instinctually. Without thought. And I consider thinking to be the faculty which differentiates us from other life forms. It is thinking which has given mankind whatever it has today.
1. My first premise is that love is based on commonality rather than dissonance. I believe that to fall in love, the core values of two people must be in consonance. What are these core values ? I believe that core values are very deep-rooted convictions a person carries. These are not binary “yes-no” moral opinions. But they are very very intrinsic thoughts that one holds. Examples can be “honesty” “material success”, “fidelity”, “practicality”, “sense-of-humor”, “non-conformity”, “knowledge” or “self-evolution” etc. etc. Let me again reiterate that these core values are not from the moral stand-point but relates to human concepts with which one fundamentally identifies with. For two people to fall in love, their core values should not be diverging.
2. Secondly I believe that the broad interests of two people must be similar. I am NOT using the word “same” but “similar”. This is important because it gives two individuals a common ground to interact. And this interaction is very important in the long run to sustain the relationship when the intial passions have cooled down.
3. Thirdly only commonality of core values and similarity of broad interests may not be enough. They have to 'like' what they see in each other. This “liking what they see” is the ‘chemistry’ between two people. If this is friendship, then perhaps the first stage of falling in love is friendship.
Let me just make one point here. Friendship, I believe does not happen in a day. This process of knowing each other takes time. Takes effort. Now I would not quantify the time to know the other person. It can happen sooner for some people, for other couples it may take years. It is in the process of knowing each other that one discovers the core values, explores common interests etc.
Knowing the other person has to be in terms of complete honesty as far as showing one’s true identity is concerned. At this stage, if one knowingly presents a different picture of oneself to the other person, then later on there are bound to be hiccups. It is very important not to hide the not-so-desirable traits of oneself from the beginning.
4. Love just happens. One cannot make an effort to fall in love. Friendship alone cannot lead to love. There has to be the instinctual feeling of “togetherness/ comfortable wholeness”. (for want of a better words) when you realize that you are in love. It is instinctual. But this instinct is not ‘blind instinct’.
At this point it is imperative for you to be honest to both yourself and the other and express your feeling beyond friendship. By not expressing your feeling, you are being untrue to the existing relationship. If by chance, it is not reciprocated, it is sheer bad-luck. You need not feel ‘guilty/unworthy’ about it.
This milestone of expressing each others feelings should not lead to a situation where you “stop” being friends and “start” being lovers. I personally believe that friendship remains the fundamental basis on which love is built. If you start being less than frank with each other after your expression of love, then inevitably it leads to problems.
One must realize that love is not a search. It happens. The “effort” theory of love (effort in “conquest”) is fundamentally flawed. (If you try hard enough, you are likely to 'find' love.) I believe that beyond a basic effort at friendliness, love should NOT be pursued with the final objective of falling in love. The effort theory assumes that love is some summit which has to be climbed. You need not “convince” the other person to fall in love with you.
-Love is not a test of proving you to yourself or to the other.
-Love is not, I repeat NOT a conquest.
5. Love is about commitment. Now in my opinion, commitment is nothing more glorious than “compromise”. Commitment has at its core the basic idea of contentment. Let me elaborate this abstruse concept.
-Commitment means that even if there is a ‘bigger better deal’ waiting tomorrow, one wont succumb. One will knowingly NOT make the rational choice of grabbing any incremental benefit coming your way. One will make a compromise.
-Contentment means that at some point of time we sit back and count our blessings. We say that we are happy with status-quo. A lot of things (Money, Power, Sex) is never going to be enough in life . We don’t hanker after “more/better” forever. That is contentment.
That is commitment. Yes, on a base level, it is compromise.
6. The sexual act as the manifestation of love. I feel that one would sleep with the person one loves. Both of them have to be very comfortable with the thing. This is necessary because in many societies it has got socio-cultural manifestations. Once, mentally committed, physical commitment for me is an edict in stone. If two people are sexually incompatible, then sex outside the union can be explored if both parties are “absolutely” sure that it wont hurt their existing relationship.
I am also not judgmental about people who segregate love and sex. Their position that sex is “just a biological need and what has love got to do with it” is perfectly tenable. If it is understood that the sexual act will in no way hurt (emotionally) either party, it is perfectly acceptable. So in that sense a one-night stand or paid-for sex is perfectly acceptable. But, once in love, casual sex is not excusable. Remember commitment is compromise.
However, I think what is inexcusable is emotional manipulation of the other party to ‘get’ sex. What is inexcusable is to make a façade of love for some exterior motive.
7. This brings me to my two cents after one has fallein in love :
-Love weathers a lot of difficulties; given both partners have enough maturity.
-Every person has his/her drawbacks. Love is not only being aware of the other’s shortcomings and accepting them. Love is not about ‘overlooking’ the darker sides.
-Even in an intense relationship, there should be room for “personal space”. Both parties must realize that they have their own lives beyond the relationship. Everyone has his/her core identity and the relationship should not subsume the same.
-Both parties must be secure enough to have a lot of trust (a requirement of friendship) in the other and the relationship.
-Love should not be used as an excuse of emotional manipulation of the other person. Love is not some lofty ideal which both parties are trying to achieve. Love is an outcome.
-Finally the basic tenet of communication and frankness should be maintained even in the midst of the worst phases of the relationship.
8. Finally, I believe that there is a phenomenon called “falling out of love”. This typically happens for a variety of causes. For example if two people evolve intellectually at drastically different rates, then after some time the two may not be able to relate to each other any more. If their social circle is completely different, then inevitably there is a drift if each party does not try to understand their partner's world. This is a reality with both parties should not wish away.
And also it is perfectly normal not to find love in life. This does not mean that something is “wrong” with you. It is not a test you failed. The world is not created for you to fall in love. If you did not find love you were just unlucky. Nothing more. Nothing less. Yes, ones loneliness is a sad human condition, but happiness is not a “right”. Love is not a right.
It just happens. Or it does not.
# posted by Abhijat @ 10:25 PM 
