Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Character - what counts
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Notes to my unborn
Dearest I write these lines as you are still getting formed in your mothers tummy. In a few months you will be one of the newer members of this world.
Welcome to the world...As you will yourself see it is a fascinating (some call it crazy) place.
As a new parent, i have no clue how to bring you up - i and you mummy will learn as we go along. We will not do the best job all the time but we are surely going to try. Honestly. And with the best intentions. However, as they say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". So i will not pretend that despite our best efforts and intentions you may not like what we have to offer. And herein lies one of the first truths of life :- you cannot choose your parents. You my dear, will make several choices in life : career, partner, values but the one thing that remains immutable is the relationship between us and you. It is a relationship of blood. My own dad said to me once - one cannot understand life so long as you dont have children. And so we are going to find out.
Which brings me to an even more basic question :- why did you come into this world ? Well, the honest answer is that having children is one of the most important aspects of being human. Feeling human. Every human being that you see around you has a mother and father. There is something about having a child which is so -- so intriguing and special. Firstly it is amazing to think that we can create life. Its special feeling. A High. All of us have only one life to show for and the experience of being a parent is something not to be missed. For anything...I like to think that a child is a parent's most earnest attempt for something meaningful. And everybody, though they may sometimes not realise it, needs a 'family'. A place called 'home'. A place where a person can find solace, security and unconditional acceptance. You are a part of our family. We wanted to have you. Bring you up and love you to pieces.
We are begining this journey having a very humble view of what we can do as parents. Yes we will give you all the learnings that we think are necessary (and am sure you may not agree with us most of the time :-). But parents are not omnipotent. They can point the direction for you and gentle nudge you at times. But finally it is your enviorment that will shape you and what you bring into this world as your 'own being'. You bring to this world your own unique gifts and talents. Your own self - which possesses its own 'free will' which will make its own choices. And your own luck. We wish you all the best in this journey.
I am writing the following paragraphs to you as "life-lessons". However whatever i am saying here is not "the truth". You should form your own views and so long as you do them with some care and consideration you are free to disagree with me. But i am writing these as it is the duty of every parent to imbue their progeny with some sense of the world. Some markers and directions to navigate life with. Here i am only trying to pass on the precious little i have been able to make sense of.
1. Core Values : But it is a realisation that has kept me in good stead for the first 30 years of my life - and i like to believe it is an immutable life-lesson. All human beings possess 'values' -deeply held beliefs through which we view the world. These core values are not some moral axioms, nor some dogmatic dos and donts. But they are the core of your being. For example "art", "equality of sexes", "scientific outlook", "tolerance" etc. are some examples i can cite as my own.
All of us as adults and living in any law-abiding land have a responsibility for our actions. But that is not enough. As you grow into an adult, you have the responsibility of your beliefs also. Examine the values that you will choose in your life. They will define you as a person. As you grow up, some of these values will get scuplted and formed. Some of these are the product of the time you grow up in, product of the economic/social circumstances. But you need to watch-out. Carefully examine your own values before believing in them too strongly. The minimum expectation is that you apply a rational and logical process while selecting these values. Read what the great thinkers before your time have said. Question, Challenge and Seek. Ponder and apply a certain intellectual vigour before accepting them. And in this process be open and receptive to a contrarian point of view. In my experience, core values are distilled over a time. You do not hit on the optimum view in the first attempt. It is also important to even make the odd-mistake to truely distil and clarify your thought.
So long as you continue to search for the truth, all is well. Keep alive the healthy sprit of inquiry. And make an effort to write down what you belive in. In my experience, writing brings a clarity which is sometimes not attainable in speech. Another message is that once you have formed these core values, it is best to associate with people who possess similar core values. I have found that true relationships do not exist for long if the core values of the individuals are very different. The most important point of having these core values (a barometer of your being) is that it helps to separate the important from the clutter. To focus on what is really important and enduring.
2. Open Mind - Apart from all the other things that you might learn in this world, "learning to learn" is perhaps the most important. To use a cliche, "Change if the only constant thing in this world". Yes- you are born in a time where the rate of change is perhaps accelerating. After centuries, mankind's technical prowess has reached a threshold where scientific progress has become an "accelerating snowball" - propled by it's own motion. Also social change is perhaps the fastest in human history. Before your times, in almost all eras, a son/daughter could not expect a dramatically different environment from their parents. But now, with accelerating change the 'genration gap' is perhaps a few years. So i would say just this to you. Keep an open mind about changes you will see in your lifetime. Do not close yourslef in such firm beliefs where you are not able to look at something differently. Keep up with what is happening around the world and never let your curiosity flag. (Often you will find that the truth lies somewhere 'in between'. That duality is the only reality which is tenable in the long run.)
3. Knowledge : One of the biggest faculties humans possess is the ability to Think. Thinking is not possible without the use of 'concepts' and the imgination to manipulate these concepts to synthesise higher order 'concepts'. Hence the first thing is to know the basic concepts. Words are nothing but abstractions of concepts. Words represent something but they themselves are not the thing. (The word “cow” is not the thing that exists out there with four legs, gives us milk, and goes moo.) Once you are familiar with the concepts, one has to have the skill to manipulate these concepts in different ways to synthesize higher order concepts. All education is ultimately an attempt to acquire a vocabulary of concepts and the skill to manipulate the vocabulary in different ways to build higher-level concepts. Here imagination and innovation (backed by a scientific temper) are the most important ingredients of this 'symbol manipulation'.
While faith has it's place in the world, try to imbibe a scientific temper. A scientific temper is not 'believing in science' at the cost of 'faith'. Perhaps it is important is to think like a scientist. A scientist uses the feedback loop of experimentation, observation and deduction to form his conclusions - and his conclusions are again subject to experimentation with ANY independent observer. That is the beauty of the scientific principle that one's conclusioins are verifiable by ANYBODY who is willing to do a repeatable experiment.
These are some of the very broad strokes that i want to sketch as you embark on your life. I have tried to sound normative and will encourage you to make your own conclusions but have just tried to share some very broad views. Welcome to this world little one. Hope it is a fascinating journey for you and hope that i can share some some parts of your journey. With loads of love from your father.
Welcome to the world...As you will yourself see it is a fascinating (some call it crazy) place.
As a new parent, i have no clue how to bring you up - i and you mummy will learn as we go along. We will not do the best job all the time but we are surely going to try. Honestly. And with the best intentions. However, as they say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". So i will not pretend that despite our best efforts and intentions you may not like what we have to offer. And herein lies one of the first truths of life :- you cannot choose your parents. You my dear, will make several choices in life : career, partner, values but the one thing that remains immutable is the relationship between us and you. It is a relationship of blood. My own dad said to me once - one cannot understand life so long as you dont have children. And so we are going to find out.
Which brings me to an even more basic question :- why did you come into this world ? Well, the honest answer is that having children is one of the most important aspects of being human. Feeling human. Every human being that you see around you has a mother and father. There is something about having a child which is so -- so intriguing and special. Firstly it is amazing to think that we can create life. Its special feeling. A High. All of us have only one life to show for and the experience of being a parent is something not to be missed. For anything...I like to think that a child is a parent's most earnest attempt for something meaningful. And everybody, though they may sometimes not realise it, needs a 'family'. A place called 'home'. A place where a person can find solace, security and unconditional acceptance. You are a part of our family. We wanted to have you. Bring you up and love you to pieces.
We are begining this journey having a very humble view of what we can do as parents. Yes we will give you all the learnings that we think are necessary (and am sure you may not agree with us most of the time :-). But parents are not omnipotent. They can point the direction for you and gentle nudge you at times. But finally it is your enviorment that will shape you and what you bring into this world as your 'own being'. You bring to this world your own unique gifts and talents. Your own self - which possesses its own 'free will' which will make its own choices. And your own luck. We wish you all the best in this journey.
I am writing the following paragraphs to you as "life-lessons". However whatever i am saying here is not "the truth". You should form your own views and so long as you do them with some care and consideration you are free to disagree with me. But i am writing these as it is the duty of every parent to imbue their progeny with some sense of the world. Some markers and directions to navigate life with. Here i am only trying to pass on the precious little i have been able to make sense of.
1. Core Values : But it is a realisation that has kept me in good stead for the first 30 years of my life - and i like to believe it is an immutable life-lesson. All human beings possess 'values' -deeply held beliefs through which we view the world. These core values are not some moral axioms, nor some dogmatic dos and donts. But they are the core of your being. For example "art", "equality of sexes", "scientific outlook", "tolerance" etc. are some examples i can cite as my own.
All of us as adults and living in any law-abiding land have a responsibility for our actions. But that is not enough. As you grow into an adult, you have the responsibility of your beliefs also. Examine the values that you will choose in your life. They will define you as a person. As you grow up, some of these values will get scuplted and formed. Some of these are the product of the time you grow up in, product of the economic/social circumstances. But you need to watch-out. Carefully examine your own values before believing in them too strongly. The minimum expectation is that you apply a rational and logical process while selecting these values. Read what the great thinkers before your time have said. Question, Challenge and Seek. Ponder and apply a certain intellectual vigour before accepting them. And in this process be open and receptive to a contrarian point of view. In my experience, core values are distilled over a time. You do not hit on the optimum view in the first attempt. It is also important to even make the odd-mistake to truely distil and clarify your thought.
So long as you continue to search for the truth, all is well. Keep alive the healthy sprit of inquiry. And make an effort to write down what you belive in. In my experience, writing brings a clarity which is sometimes not attainable in speech. Another message is that once you have formed these core values, it is best to associate with people who possess similar core values. I have found that true relationships do not exist for long if the core values of the individuals are very different. The most important point of having these core values (a barometer of your being) is that it helps to separate the important from the clutter. To focus on what is really important and enduring.
2. Open Mind - Apart from all the other things that you might learn in this world, "learning to learn" is perhaps the most important. To use a cliche, "Change if the only constant thing in this world". Yes- you are born in a time where the rate of change is perhaps accelerating. After centuries, mankind's technical prowess has reached a threshold where scientific progress has become an "accelerating snowball" - propled by it's own motion. Also social change is perhaps the fastest in human history. Before your times, in almost all eras, a son/daughter could not expect a dramatically different environment from their parents. But now, with accelerating change the 'genration gap' is perhaps a few years. So i would say just this to you. Keep an open mind about changes you will see in your lifetime. Do not close yourslef in such firm beliefs where you are not able to look at something differently. Keep up with what is happening around the world and never let your curiosity flag. (Often you will find that the truth lies somewhere 'in between'. That duality is the only reality which is tenable in the long run.)
3. Knowledge : One of the biggest faculties humans possess is the ability to Think. Thinking is not possible without the use of 'concepts' and the imgination to manipulate these concepts to synthesise higher order 'concepts'. Hence the first thing is to know the basic concepts. Words are nothing but abstractions of concepts. Words represent something but they themselves are not the thing. (The word “cow” is not the thing that exists out there with four legs, gives us milk, and goes moo.) Once you are familiar with the concepts, one has to have the skill to manipulate these concepts in different ways to synthesize higher order concepts. All education is ultimately an attempt to acquire a vocabulary of concepts and the skill to manipulate the vocabulary in different ways to build higher-level concepts. Here imagination and innovation (backed by a scientific temper) are the most important ingredients of this 'symbol manipulation'.
While faith has it's place in the world, try to imbibe a scientific temper. A scientific temper is not 'believing in science' at the cost of 'faith'. Perhaps it is important is to think like a scientist. A scientist uses the feedback loop of experimentation, observation and deduction to form his conclusions - and his conclusions are again subject to experimentation with ANY independent observer. That is the beauty of the scientific principle that one's conclusioins are verifiable by ANYBODY who is willing to do a repeatable experiment.
These are some of the very broad strokes that i want to sketch as you embark on your life. I have tried to sound normative and will encourage you to make your own conclusions but have just tried to share some very broad views. Welcome to this world little one. Hope it is a fascinating journey for you and hope that i can share some some parts of your journey. With loads of love from your father.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
The Middle Ground Theory
"Stay too far from the fire, and you'll get no warmth
Get too close , you'll be singed..."
I believe that the "middle ground" (dualism) as a theory of relationships is closest to reality. People have to be sufficiently similar and sufficiently differnt to be compatible in the long run.
They have to be similar enough to have the commonality of value systems, broad interests, dreams, world-views etc. However they have to be different enough in things like temperament, egos and skills...I assume that the similarity is the basis of the relationship and the differences are what keep it going in the long run. However this is a delicate balance and there is no quantification of "how different/how similar" can two people be...
Similarities are the basis of liking each other. We may be attracted to our opposites intensely (and fleetingly) but in the long run we like to associate ourselves with similar people ("people like us"). Anything unfamiliar and uncomprehensible is not very comfortable. Ditto for relationships. In the long run, we are more likely to stick with people who share our core values, our world view and our interests. After the passionate first flush of a relationship has passed, we revel in intimacy and here we are more likely to like somebody who 'understands' us. This is similarity. A person who is completley dissimilar will probably never understand us.
However, we as people do not like our mirror images (exact copies). Clones ultimately make boring partners and lead to bad teamwork. To keep a relationship going, we need to associate with someone who is a little different. For example two people will extremely big egos will be bad partners. Every argument will become a battle to be won at any cost. Two completely disorganised people will make every vacation a disaster. Two extreme optimists is also bad news...To succeeed in the long run two people will need to compliment each other.
So here some advice to those looking for partners. Look for similarities in the larger things...But do not look for mirror images. Look also for those qualities that compliment yours and help balance things. As an analogy, you need to find partners who are going in the same direction (similarity), but different enough to explore parallel routes.
Get too close , you'll be singed..."
I believe that the "middle ground" (dualism) as a theory of relationships is closest to reality. People have to be sufficiently similar and sufficiently differnt to be compatible in the long run.
They have to be similar enough to have the commonality of value systems, broad interests, dreams, world-views etc. However they have to be different enough in things like temperament, egos and skills...I assume that the similarity is the basis of the relationship and the differences are what keep it going in the long run. However this is a delicate balance and there is no quantification of "how different/how similar" can two people be...
Similarities are the basis of liking each other. We may be attracted to our opposites intensely (and fleetingly) but in the long run we like to associate ourselves with similar people ("people like us"). Anything unfamiliar and uncomprehensible is not very comfortable. Ditto for relationships. In the long run, we are more likely to stick with people who share our core values, our world view and our interests. After the passionate first flush of a relationship has passed, we revel in intimacy and here we are more likely to like somebody who 'understands' us. This is similarity. A person who is completley dissimilar will probably never understand us.
However, we as people do not like our mirror images (exact copies). Clones ultimately make boring partners and lead to bad teamwork. To keep a relationship going, we need to associate with someone who is a little different. For example two people will extremely big egos will be bad partners. Every argument will become a battle to be won at any cost. Two completely disorganised people will make every vacation a disaster. Two extreme optimists is also bad news...To succeeed in the long run two people will need to compliment each other.
So here some advice to those looking for partners. Look for similarities in the larger things...But do not look for mirror images. Look also for those qualities that compliment yours and help balance things. As an analogy, you need to find partners who are going in the same direction (similarity), but different enough to explore parallel routes.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
After a year...
After one year of 'living the marriage'...Have things changed ? Has there been a mutation in the ideology ?
Well, here goes nothing :-
1. In a marriage, you do give up a part of your independence. Thinking that you will continue to retain your sharp, well-defined identity is a fallacy. Your identity as a person will not'disappear'. It never can and it never should, even in a marriage. But the lines become blurred, the outline less clearer and the other person's identity almost-always 'blends' into yours.
Hence you form a new identity after marriage - "US" from the "I". In this identity, each of you are separately recognisable but it becomes a mutual identity.
The view that we have taken is that there are some aspects that you cannot change about one's family (our parents are too old to change) and we should not 'crusade' against these aspects. Till such time as neither family is very upset, both of us are willing to make 'sacrifices' to keep things as normal as possible. Yes it is not easy for either of us sometimes. But we try to do our best. If sometimes, something goes a beyond what we can handle, we talk to each other about it and try to find a 'middle path' (remember the golden middle path philosophy of buddhism).
3. One of the biggest realisations in the last one year has been that it is very different to live as a couple. Before marriage one is (hopefully) not living-in and living together definitely has it's own challenges. From a dirty house to who uses more utensils to who will go and buy something, living together is not easy and requires enormous commitment from both the partners. There are somethings in your partner that you will have to get used to and not try to 'change' but live with them. You have to learn not to take the easy way out and put 110 % in the relationship.
4. Another point is to exorcise the ghosts of your past if any. We are living in a modern world today with interaction of the sexes much more that they ever have been. Both of the partners have to reveal to each other what their past has been like. We have to be liberal enough to understand that one may have met people before in one's life with whom there was some involvement. However that should not be a bother. Till such time as the past is buried, there should be no problem to handle the current relationship. We have to be careful that even in an argument, we do NOT rake up the past.
5. One should also be aware that being in love with somebody may not be forever. There is a phenomenon called 'falling out of love'. That is not to say that one was never in love. It may be a gradual process for a couple and they have to guard against it. Here i am not talking about a one-night-stand or any such thing. But true falling out may happen because of a multitude of reasons - differnece in evolution, taking the other person for granted, putting less than 110 % in the relationship over the years etc. The experiences of two different people may change their life-philosophies in a way that is incompatible. The loss of communication over the years, not listening enough may also lead to problems.
6. One of the most important things that keep a marriage going is humor. The ability to laugh at each other without taking things to heart, the ability to laugh at yourself and some of the holy-cows that you have held.
7. People will remain humans and will make mistakes. Over and above the above, do realise that the person you are marrying is only a human being. Though he/she has the best intentions at herart, there are times that people slip-up. They are weak and make mistakes. One act of not adhering to one's stated values should not end a marriage. The easiest thing in this world is to walk away (that's why a lot of live-ins dont work)...One has to stay put and be willing to work things out. Sometimes you may think that you have made the biggest mistake in your life...(and you may get this feeling 2 months/hours before marriage ). But keep the faith. Everything in life will not be perfect.
No partner is perfect. There are only degrees of imperfection. The only thing you need to consider is that if you are ok with this person's level of imperfection. (within tolerance limits).
8. Finally the most important thing is - the ability to keep an open mind to things and to respect each other as a person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After several years, reading a book by Mitch Albon something struck me as powerful.
1. You need to respect
2. You need to communicate
3. You need to compromise
4. You need to have shared values
5. You need to believe in the importance of marriage
________________________________________________________________________________
Well, here goes nothing :-
1. In a marriage, you do give up a part of your independence. Thinking that you will continue to retain your sharp, well-defined identity is a fallacy. Your identity as a person will not'disappear'. It never can and it never should, even in a marriage. But the lines become blurred, the outline less clearer and the other person's identity almost-always 'blends' into yours.
Hence you form a new identity after marriage - "US" from the "I". In this identity, each of you are separately recognisable but it becomes a mutual identity.
2. Family - this is a tough one ! Both the partners have to see their respective families as objectively as possible. Without the tint of "my-family-and-how-dare-you-speak -anything-ill -about-them". Yes there are certain limits of decency that one must not cross but these limits are unstated (and understood) but nothing should become a 'holy-cow' just because it is my family. We should be able to discuss our families with each other without the associated emotional baggage.
The view that we have taken is that there are some aspects that you cannot change about one's family (our parents are too old to change) and we should not 'crusade' against these aspects. Till such time as neither family is very upset, both of us are willing to make 'sacrifices' to keep things as normal as possible. Yes it is not easy for either of us sometimes. But we try to do our best. If sometimes, something goes a beyond what we can handle, we talk to each other about it and try to find a 'middle path' (remember the golden middle path philosophy of buddhism).
3. One of the biggest realisations in the last one year has been that it is very different to live as a couple. Before marriage one is (hopefully) not living-in and living together definitely has it's own challenges. From a dirty house to who uses more utensils to who will go and buy something, living together is not easy and requires enormous commitment from both the partners. There are somethings in your partner that you will have to get used to and not try to 'change' but live with them. You have to learn not to take the easy way out and put 110 % in the relationship.
4. Another point is to exorcise the ghosts of your past if any. We are living in a modern world today with interaction of the sexes much more that they ever have been. Both of the partners have to reveal to each other what their past has been like. We have to be liberal enough to understand that one may have met people before in one's life with whom there was some involvement. However that should not be a bother. Till such time as the past is buried, there should be no problem to handle the current relationship. We have to be careful that even in an argument, we do NOT rake up the past.
5. One should also be aware that being in love with somebody may not be forever. There is a phenomenon called 'falling out of love'. That is not to say that one was never in love. It may be a gradual process for a couple and they have to guard against it. Here i am not talking about a one-night-stand or any such thing. But true falling out may happen because of a multitude of reasons - differnece in evolution, taking the other person for granted, putting less than 110 % in the relationship over the years etc. The experiences of two different people may change their life-philosophies in a way that is incompatible. The loss of communication over the years, not listening enough may also lead to problems.
6. One of the most important things that keep a marriage going is humor. The ability to laugh at each other without taking things to heart, the ability to laugh at yourself and some of the holy-cows that you have held.
7. People will remain humans and will make mistakes. Over and above the above, do realise that the person you are marrying is only a human being. Though he/she has the best intentions at herart, there are times that people slip-up. They are weak and make mistakes. One act of not adhering to one's stated values should not end a marriage. The easiest thing in this world is to walk away (that's why a lot of live-ins dont work)...One has to stay put and be willing to work things out. Sometimes you may think that you have made the biggest mistake in your life...(and you may get this feeling 2 months/hours before marriage ). But keep the faith. Everything in life will not be perfect.
No partner is perfect. There are only degrees of imperfection. The only thing you need to consider is that if you are ok with this person's level of imperfection. (within tolerance limits).
8. Finally the most important thing is - the ability to keep an open mind to things and to respect each other as a person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After several years, reading a book by Mitch Albon something struck me as powerful.
1. You need to respect
2. You need to communicate
3. You need to compromise
4. You need to have shared values
5. You need to believe in the importance of marriage
________________________________________________________________________________
Friday, August 04, 2006
Philosophy of Love
This is my philosophy of Love, tempered and improved by my then-fiance, now wife. It is an attempt to articulate my core values regarding the subject.
Fundamentally, I believe that love is a final intuitive feeling towards a person (heart). And this feeling is the outcome of many preceding stages of knowing the person AND knowing oneself (mind).
I am saying that finally love is instinctual. But this instinct is not without reason. This may seem dichotomous. After all, what is a “logical instinct”? This is precisely my position. That there is duality in the world and this duality has to co-exist. (The instinct is like a 'neural network': that there is an algorithm but the algorithm cannot be found)
I admit that people keep on constantly evolving and changing in this world. But at the same time, I do not accept that it is impossible to have a fairly good idea of what kind of person one/anybody is. Nobody can know oneself/anybody “exactly” but then a “fairly accurate idea” about the person is what I am implying. I do not believe the statement “I keep surprising myself everyday” or “I do not know what I am going to do next.” I do not accept this position. This is pure inconsistency and I do believe that humans follow a relatively stable behavior patterns. I consider that those who make this statement are either completely fickle or who live purely instinctually. Without thought. And I consider thinking to be the faculty which differentiates us from other life forms. It is thinking which has given mankind whatever it has today.
1. My first premise is that love is based on commonality rather than dissonance. I believe that to fall in love, the core values of two people must be in consonance. What are these core values ? I believe that core values are very deep-rooted convictions a person carries. These are not binary “yes-no” moral opinions. But they are very very intrinsic thoughts that one holds. Examples can be “honesty” “material success”, “fidelity”, “practicality”, “sense-of-humor”, “non-conformity”, “knowledge” or “self-evolution” etc. etc. Let me again reiterate that these core values are not from the moral stand-point but relates to human concepts with which one fundamentally identifies with. For two people to fall in love, their core values should not be diverging.
2. Secondly I believe that the broad interests of two people must be similar. I am NOT using the word “same” but “similar”. This is important because it gives two individuals a common ground to interact. And this interaction is very important in the long run to sustain the relationship when the intial passions have cooled down.
3. Thirdly only commonality of core values and similarity of broad interests may not be enough. They have to 'like' what they see in each other. This “liking what they see” is the ‘chemistry’ between two people. If this is friendship, then perhaps the first stage of falling in love is friendship.
Let me just make one point here. Friendship, I believe does not happen in a day. This process of knowing each other takes time. Takes effort. Now I would not quantify the time to know the other person. It can happen sooner for some people, for other couples it may take years. It is in the process of knowing each other that one discovers the core values, explores common interests etc.
Knowing the other person has to be in terms of complete honesty as far as showing one’s true identity is concerned. At this stage, if one knowingly presents a different picture of oneself to the other person, then later on there are bound to be hiccups. It is very important not to hide the not-so-desirable traits of oneself from the beginning.
4. Love just happens. One cannot make an effort to fall in love. Friendship alone cannot lead to love. There has to be the instinctual feeling of “togetherness/ comfortable wholeness”. (for want of a better words) when you realize that you are in love. It is instinctual. But this instinct is not ‘blind instinct’.
At this point it is imperative for you to be honest to both yourself and the other and express your feeling beyond friendship. By not expressing your feeling, you are being untrue to the existing relationship. If by chance, it is not reciprocated, it is sheer bad-luck. You need not feel ‘guilty/unworthy’ about it.
This milestone of expressing each others feelings should not lead to a situation where you “stop” being friends and “start” being lovers. I personally believe that friendship remains the fundamental basis on which love is built. If you start being less than frank with each other after your expression of love, then inevitably it leads to problems.
One must realize that love is not a search. It happens. The “effort” theory of love (effort in “conquest”) is fundamentally flawed. (If you try hard enough, you are likely to 'find' love.) I believe that beyond a basic effort at friendliness, love should NOT be pursued with the final objective of falling in love. The effort theory assumes that love is some summit which has to be climbed. You need not “convince” the other person to fall in love with you.
-Love is not a test of proving you to yourself or to the other.
-Love is not, I repeat NOT a conquest.
5. Love is about commitment. Now in my opinion, commitment is nothing more glorious than “compromise”. Commitment has at its core the basic idea of contentment. Let me elaborate this abstruse concept.
-Commitment means that even if there is a ‘bigger better deal’ waiting tomorrow, one wont succumb. One will knowingly NOT make the rational choice of grabbing any incremental benefit coming your way. One will make a compromise.
-Contentment means that at some point of time we sit back and count our blessings. We say that we are happy with status-quo. A lot of things (Money, Power, Sex) is never going to be enough in life . We don’t hanker after “more/better” forever. That is contentment.
That is commitment. Yes, on a base level, it is compromise.
6. The sexual act as the manifestation of love. I feel that one would sleep with the person one loves. Both of them have to be very comfortable with the thing. This is necessary because in many societies it has got socio-cultural manifestations. Once, mentally committed, physical commitment for me is an edict in stone. If two people are sexually incompatible, then sex outside the union can be explored if both parties are “absolutely” sure that it wont hurt their existing relationship.
I am also not judgmental about people who segregate love and sex. Their position that sex is “just a biological need and what has love got to do with it” is perfectly tenable. If it is understood that the sexual act will in no way hurt (emotionally) either party, it is perfectly acceptable. So in that sense a one-night stand or paid-for sex is perfectly acceptable. But, once in love, casual sex is not excusable. Remember commitment is compromise.
However, I think what is inexcusable is emotional manipulation of the other party to ‘get’ sex. What is inexcusable is to make a façade of love for some exterior motive.
7. This brings me to my two cents after one has fallein in love :
-Love weathers a lot of difficulties; given both partners have enough maturity.
-Every person has his/her drawbacks. Love is not only being aware of the other’s shortcomings and accepting them. Love is not about ‘overlooking’ the darker sides.
-Even in an intense relationship, there should be room for “personal space”. Both parties must realize that they have their own lives beyond the relationship. Everyone has his/her core identity and the relationship should not subsume the same.
-Both parties must be secure enough to have a lot of trust (a requirement of friendship) in the other and the relationship.
-Love should not be used as an excuse of emotional manipulation of the other person. Love is not some lofty ideal which both parties are trying to achieve. Love is an outcome.
-Finally the basic tenet of communication and frankness should be maintained even in the midst of the worst phases of the relationship.
8. Finally, I believe that there is a phenomenon called “falling out of love”. This typically happens for a variety of causes. For example if two people evolve intellectually at drastically different rates, then after some time the two may not be able to relate to each other any more. If their social circle is completely different, then inevitably there is a drift if each party does not try to understand their partner's world. This is a reality with both parties should not wish away.
And also it is perfectly normal not to find love in life. This does not mean that something is “wrong” with you. It is not a test you failed. The world is not created for you to fall in love. If you did not find love you were just unlucky. Nothing more. Nothing less. Yes, ones loneliness is a sad human condition, but happiness is not a “right”. Love is not a right.
It just happens. Or it does not.
Fundamentally, I believe that love is a final intuitive feeling towards a person (heart). And this feeling is the outcome of many preceding stages of knowing the person AND knowing oneself (mind).
I am saying that finally love is instinctual. But this instinct is not without reason. This may seem dichotomous. After all, what is a “logical instinct”? This is precisely my position. That there is duality in the world and this duality has to co-exist. (The instinct is like a 'neural network': that there is an algorithm but the algorithm cannot be found)
I admit that people keep on constantly evolving and changing in this world. But at the same time, I do not accept that it is impossible to have a fairly good idea of what kind of person one/anybody is. Nobody can know oneself/anybody “exactly” but then a “fairly accurate idea” about the person is what I am implying. I do not believe the statement “I keep surprising myself everyday” or “I do not know what I am going to do next.” I do not accept this position. This is pure inconsistency and I do believe that humans follow a relatively stable behavior patterns. I consider that those who make this statement are either completely fickle or who live purely instinctually. Without thought. And I consider thinking to be the faculty which differentiates us from other life forms. It is thinking which has given mankind whatever it has today.
1. My first premise is that love is based on commonality rather than dissonance. I believe that to fall in love, the core values of two people must be in consonance. What are these core values ? I believe that core values are very deep-rooted convictions a person carries. These are not binary “yes-no” moral opinions. But they are very very intrinsic thoughts that one holds. Examples can be “honesty” “material success”, “fidelity”, “practicality”, “sense-of-humor”, “non-conformity”, “knowledge” or “self-evolution” etc. etc. Let me again reiterate that these core values are not from the moral stand-point but relates to human concepts with which one fundamentally identifies with. For two people to fall in love, their core values should not be diverging.
2. Secondly I believe that the broad interests of two people must be similar. I am NOT using the word “same” but “similar”. This is important because it gives two individuals a common ground to interact. And this interaction is very important in the long run to sustain the relationship when the intial passions have cooled down.
3. Thirdly only commonality of core values and similarity of broad interests may not be enough. They have to 'like' what they see in each other. This “liking what they see” is the ‘chemistry’ between two people. If this is friendship, then perhaps the first stage of falling in love is friendship.
Let me just make one point here. Friendship, I believe does not happen in a day. This process of knowing each other takes time. Takes effort. Now I would not quantify the time to know the other person. It can happen sooner for some people, for other couples it may take years. It is in the process of knowing each other that one discovers the core values, explores common interests etc.
Knowing the other person has to be in terms of complete honesty as far as showing one’s true identity is concerned. At this stage, if one knowingly presents a different picture of oneself to the other person, then later on there are bound to be hiccups. It is very important not to hide the not-so-desirable traits of oneself from the beginning.
4. Love just happens. One cannot make an effort to fall in love. Friendship alone cannot lead to love. There has to be the instinctual feeling of “togetherness/ comfortable wholeness”. (for want of a better words) when you realize that you are in love. It is instinctual. But this instinct is not ‘blind instinct’.
At this point it is imperative for you to be honest to both yourself and the other and express your feeling beyond friendship. By not expressing your feeling, you are being untrue to the existing relationship. If by chance, it is not reciprocated, it is sheer bad-luck. You need not feel ‘guilty/unworthy’ about it.
This milestone of expressing each others feelings should not lead to a situation where you “stop” being friends and “start” being lovers. I personally believe that friendship remains the fundamental basis on which love is built. If you start being less than frank with each other after your expression of love, then inevitably it leads to problems.
One must realize that love is not a search. It happens. The “effort” theory of love (effort in “conquest”) is fundamentally flawed. (If you try hard enough, you are likely to 'find' love.) I believe that beyond a basic effort at friendliness, love should NOT be pursued with the final objective of falling in love. The effort theory assumes that love is some summit which has to be climbed. You need not “convince” the other person to fall in love with you.
-Love is not a test of proving you to yourself or to the other.
-Love is not, I repeat NOT a conquest.
5. Love is about commitment. Now in my opinion, commitment is nothing more glorious than “compromise”. Commitment has at its core the basic idea of contentment. Let me elaborate this abstruse concept.
-Commitment means that even if there is a ‘bigger better deal’ waiting tomorrow, one wont succumb. One will knowingly NOT make the rational choice of grabbing any incremental benefit coming your way. One will make a compromise.
-Contentment means that at some point of time we sit back and count our blessings. We say that we are happy with status-quo. A lot of things (Money, Power, Sex) is never going to be enough in life . We don’t hanker after “more/better” forever. That is contentment.
That is commitment. Yes, on a base level, it is compromise.
6. The sexual act as the manifestation of love. I feel that one would sleep with the person one loves. Both of them have to be very comfortable with the thing. This is necessary because in many societies it has got socio-cultural manifestations. Once, mentally committed, physical commitment for me is an edict in stone. If two people are sexually incompatible, then sex outside the union can be explored if both parties are “absolutely” sure that it wont hurt their existing relationship.
I am also not judgmental about people who segregate love and sex. Their position that sex is “just a biological need and what has love got to do with it” is perfectly tenable. If it is understood that the sexual act will in no way hurt (emotionally) either party, it is perfectly acceptable. So in that sense a one-night stand or paid-for sex is perfectly acceptable. But, once in love, casual sex is not excusable. Remember commitment is compromise.
However, I think what is inexcusable is emotional manipulation of the other party to ‘get’ sex. What is inexcusable is to make a façade of love for some exterior motive.
7. This brings me to my two cents after one has fallein in love :
-Love weathers a lot of difficulties; given both partners have enough maturity.
-Every person has his/her drawbacks. Love is not only being aware of the other’s shortcomings and accepting them. Love is not about ‘overlooking’ the darker sides.
-Even in an intense relationship, there should be room for “personal space”. Both parties must realize that they have their own lives beyond the relationship. Everyone has his/her core identity and the relationship should not subsume the same.
-Both parties must be secure enough to have a lot of trust (a requirement of friendship) in the other and the relationship.
-Love should not be used as an excuse of emotional manipulation of the other person. Love is not some lofty ideal which both parties are trying to achieve. Love is an outcome.
-Finally the basic tenet of communication and frankness should be maintained even in the midst of the worst phases of the relationship.
8. Finally, I believe that there is a phenomenon called “falling out of love”. This typically happens for a variety of causes. For example if two people evolve intellectually at drastically different rates, then after some time the two may not be able to relate to each other any more. If their social circle is completely different, then inevitably there is a drift if each party does not try to understand their partner's world. This is a reality with both parties should not wish away.
And also it is perfectly normal not to find love in life. This does not mean that something is “wrong” with you. It is not a test you failed. The world is not created for you to fall in love. If you did not find love you were just unlucky. Nothing more. Nothing less. Yes, ones loneliness is a sad human condition, but happiness is not a “right”. Love is not a right.
It just happens. Or it does not.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Do I ?
Firstly, this is not an original composition. It came to me as a forward but it was as if somebody just read my mind. The parts I dont fully agree to are in italics. All credits to the anonymous author.
The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on "I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we're together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let's go get married".
Feelings, as we have discussed, have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain.
Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person. This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you, and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions. The decisions have to be made on solid considerations.
Will this person be a good partner? Is (s)he mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family? Is he prepared to be a good provider? What is his track record? Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it?
Will this person be a good parent? Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person? They will, you know.
Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents' character traits. You had better like your spouse's traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children.
If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person, alone, with the task of raising and forming your children? This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed. Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care the other parent. If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person's influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person.
Does this person share your faith in God? God does not give us children so that we can mold them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job is to get them to heaven. To do that, we need to raise them believing in God. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes. Saying, "this is right and this is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five" does not work. Small children ask about eight skillion questions in a single day.
The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children?
Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control? Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people.
Wrong! There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable - illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel. There are also times when spouses, just get on each other's nerves. At times like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous, because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to make themselves available to married men and women. Do you want someone who has never said "no" to sex? If he is not good at saying "no" at eighteen, it won't be different at forty. Do you want to worry about whether or not your spouse is being faithful?
These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person.
None if this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision. You don't have to say "Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don't particularly like you I guess I'll marry you'.
You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however , must acknowledge that this person as a good catch.
Don't listen to your heart alone or your head alone. Wait until your heart and head agree.
The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on "I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we're together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let's go get married".
Feelings, as we have discussed, have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain.
Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person. This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you, and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions. The decisions have to be made on solid considerations.
Will this person be a good partner? Is (s)he mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family? Is he prepared to be a good provider? What is his track record? Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it?
Will this person be a good parent? Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person? They will, you know.
Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents' character traits. You had better like your spouse's traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children.
If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person, alone, with the task of raising and forming your children? This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed. Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care the other parent. If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person's influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person.
Does this person share your faith in God? God does not give us children so that we can mold them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job is to get them to heaven. To do that, we need to raise them believing in God. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes. Saying, "this is right and this is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five" does not work. Small children ask about eight skillion questions in a single day.
The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children?
Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control? Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people.
Wrong! There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable - illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel. There are also times when spouses, just get on each other's nerves. At times like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous, because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to make themselves available to married men and women. Do you want someone who has never said "no" to sex? If he is not good at saying "no" at eighteen, it won't be different at forty. Do you want to worry about whether or not your spouse is being faithful?
These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person.
None if this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision. You don't have to say "Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don't particularly like you I guess I'll marry you'.
You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however , must acknowledge that this person as a good catch.
Don't listen to your heart alone or your head alone. Wait until your heart and head agree.
