Saturday, August 05, 2006
After a year...
After one year of 'living the marriage'...Have things changed ? Has there been a mutation in the ideology ?
Well, here goes nothing :-
1. In a marriage, you do give up a part of your independence. Thinking that you will continue to retain your sharp, well-defined identity is a fallacy. Your identity as a person will not'disappear'. It never can and it never should, even in a marriage. But the lines become blurred, the outline less clearer and the other person's identity almost-always 'blends' into yours.
Hence you form a new identity after marriage - "US" from the "I". In this identity, each of you are separately recognisable but it becomes a mutual identity.
The view that we have taken is that there are some aspects that you cannot change about one's family (our parents are too old to change) and we should not 'crusade' against these aspects. Till such time as neither family is very upset, both of us are willing to make 'sacrifices' to keep things as normal as possible. Yes it is not easy for either of us sometimes. But we try to do our best. If sometimes, something goes a beyond what we can handle, we talk to each other about it and try to find a 'middle path' (remember the golden middle path philosophy of buddhism).
3. One of the biggest realisations in the last one year has been that it is very different to live as a couple. Before marriage one is (hopefully) not living-in and living together definitely has it's own challenges. From a dirty house to who uses more utensils to who will go and buy something, living together is not easy and requires enormous commitment from both the partners. There are somethings in your partner that you will have to get used to and not try to 'change' but live with them. You have to learn not to take the easy way out and put 110 % in the relationship.
4. Another point is to exorcise the ghosts of your past if any. We are living in a modern world today with interaction of the sexes much more that they ever have been. Both of the partners have to reveal to each other what their past has been like. We have to be liberal enough to understand that one may have met people before in one's life with whom there was some involvement. However that should not be a bother. Till such time as the past is buried, there should be no problem to handle the current relationship. We have to be careful that even in an argument, we do NOT rake up the past.
5. One should also be aware that being in love with somebody may not be forever. There is a phenomenon called 'falling out of love'. That is not to say that one was never in love. It may be a gradual process for a couple and they have to guard against it. Here i am not talking about a one-night-stand or any such thing. But true falling out may happen because of a multitude of reasons - differnece in evolution, taking the other person for granted, putting less than 110 % in the relationship over the years etc. The experiences of two different people may change their life-philosophies in a way that is incompatible. The loss of communication over the years, not listening enough may also lead to problems.
6. One of the most important things that keep a marriage going is humor. The ability to laugh at each other without taking things to heart, the ability to laugh at yourself and some of the holy-cows that you have held.
7. People will remain humans and will make mistakes. Over and above the above, do realise that the person you are marrying is only a human being. Though he/she has the best intentions at herart, there are times that people slip-up. They are weak and make mistakes. One act of not adhering to one's stated values should not end a marriage. The easiest thing in this world is to walk away (that's why a lot of live-ins dont work)...One has to stay put and be willing to work things out. Sometimes you may think that you have made the biggest mistake in your life...(and you may get this feeling 2 months/hours before marriage ). But keep the faith. Everything in life will not be perfect.
No partner is perfect. There are only degrees of imperfection. The only thing you need to consider is that if you are ok with this person's level of imperfection. (within tolerance limits).
8. Finally the most important thing is - the ability to keep an open mind to things and to respect each other as a person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After several years, reading a book by Mitch Albon something struck me as powerful.
1. You need to respect
2. You need to communicate
3. You need to compromise
4. You need to have shared values
5. You need to believe in the importance of marriage
________________________________________________________________________________
Well, here goes nothing :-
1. In a marriage, you do give up a part of your independence. Thinking that you will continue to retain your sharp, well-defined identity is a fallacy. Your identity as a person will not'disappear'. It never can and it never should, even in a marriage. But the lines become blurred, the outline less clearer and the other person's identity almost-always 'blends' into yours.
Hence you form a new identity after marriage - "US" from the "I". In this identity, each of you are separately recognisable but it becomes a mutual identity.
2. Family - this is a tough one ! Both the partners have to see their respective families as objectively as possible. Without the tint of "my-family-and-how-dare-you-speak -anything-ill -about-them". Yes there are certain limits of decency that one must not cross but these limits are unstated (and understood) but nothing should become a 'holy-cow' just because it is my family. We should be able to discuss our families with each other without the associated emotional baggage.
The view that we have taken is that there are some aspects that you cannot change about one's family (our parents are too old to change) and we should not 'crusade' against these aspects. Till such time as neither family is very upset, both of us are willing to make 'sacrifices' to keep things as normal as possible. Yes it is not easy for either of us sometimes. But we try to do our best. If sometimes, something goes a beyond what we can handle, we talk to each other about it and try to find a 'middle path' (remember the golden middle path philosophy of buddhism).
3. One of the biggest realisations in the last one year has been that it is very different to live as a couple. Before marriage one is (hopefully) not living-in and living together definitely has it's own challenges. From a dirty house to who uses more utensils to who will go and buy something, living together is not easy and requires enormous commitment from both the partners. There are somethings in your partner that you will have to get used to and not try to 'change' but live with them. You have to learn not to take the easy way out and put 110 % in the relationship.
4. Another point is to exorcise the ghosts of your past if any. We are living in a modern world today with interaction of the sexes much more that they ever have been. Both of the partners have to reveal to each other what their past has been like. We have to be liberal enough to understand that one may have met people before in one's life with whom there was some involvement. However that should not be a bother. Till such time as the past is buried, there should be no problem to handle the current relationship. We have to be careful that even in an argument, we do NOT rake up the past.
5. One should also be aware that being in love with somebody may not be forever. There is a phenomenon called 'falling out of love'. That is not to say that one was never in love. It may be a gradual process for a couple and they have to guard against it. Here i am not talking about a one-night-stand or any such thing. But true falling out may happen because of a multitude of reasons - differnece in evolution, taking the other person for granted, putting less than 110 % in the relationship over the years etc. The experiences of two different people may change their life-philosophies in a way that is incompatible. The loss of communication over the years, not listening enough may also lead to problems.
6. One of the most important things that keep a marriage going is humor. The ability to laugh at each other without taking things to heart, the ability to laugh at yourself and some of the holy-cows that you have held.
7. People will remain humans and will make mistakes. Over and above the above, do realise that the person you are marrying is only a human being. Though he/she has the best intentions at herart, there are times that people slip-up. They are weak and make mistakes. One act of not adhering to one's stated values should not end a marriage. The easiest thing in this world is to walk away (that's why a lot of live-ins dont work)...One has to stay put and be willing to work things out. Sometimes you may think that you have made the biggest mistake in your life...(and you may get this feeling 2 months/hours before marriage ). But keep the faith. Everything in life will not be perfect.
No partner is perfect. There are only degrees of imperfection. The only thing you need to consider is that if you are ok with this person's level of imperfection. (within tolerance limits).
8. Finally the most important thing is - the ability to keep an open mind to things and to respect each other as a person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After several years, reading a book by Mitch Albon something struck me as powerful.
1. You need to respect
2. You need to communicate
3. You need to compromise
4. You need to have shared values
5. You need to believe in the importance of marriage
________________________________________________________________________________
# posted by Abhijat @ 12:11 AM 
